i can't do this myself

some days, most days, i like to pretend i can do everything myself. i can take care of the house without asking my husband for help. i can do everything at work without talking to my coworkers. i can take care of my life without asking God for help and guidance. none of those are good, especially the last one. 

i think what drives me in all of those aspects is fear and worry. it's so much easier to take action (whether right or wrong) than to just to wait for someone else to help. seems smart when you say it, right? i will get this all taken care of and feel better about the situation and not bug anyone else!

The Problem?

i CAN'T do everything by myself. even though i like to think i can. and doing things without guidance is not the right answer.

i feel like i asked God for guidance when i first started thinking about buying a house and asking if this house was the right one. after that i kind of said, thanks God, i've got this now.....

i'll stress over financing issues, termites, old wiring, etc etc. it's on me now. except it's not. and not only have i forgotten to go to God i somehow keep forgetting that i'm married (haha, ok not realllly). i keep forgetting that i'm not the only one who is carrying the burden of this right now. not only is God here to help me, but matt is too. 

matt got kind of frustrated with me last night after i started freaking out. we got an email talking about financing from our lender. which we thought was fine. i mean not to get away from the subject, but the whole point of pre-approval and sending in your financial life history BEFORE making an offer on a house is so that the bank has time to go over your finances, right? well i guess that's not necessarily the case, since apparently the underwriters then take everything your loan officer has gotten from you, throw it out and start over again. asking very specific questions about each thing (which you had already done with the loan officer) and act like maybe they will not give you the loan anymore. i get that the whole housing meltdown happened because people over lent and over spent. and if i was trying to buy a really expensive house i would understand where they were coming from. BUT, our house payment will be HALF what we pay in rent right now. you read that right, HALF. we're going about this in what we thought was a smart way. being able to pay our mortgage each month and put a small bit away in a house fund to take care of issues that might come up.

at this point i don't know if they will even give us the loan now. (<--- my husband would say that sentence is overly dramatic, haha ;)). 

and it brings me back and makes me question God, which i shouldn't do. because, He's not causing this. but, last night all i could think was but i thought this was what we were supposed to do. i thought this house was the answer. and i was reminded that it has not been taken away yet. it's a process that must happen and until someone says, you're not getting the loan, that hasn't happened yet. and also that i can't stop asking God for help or for guidance. i have to take the good and the bad and know that these things that are out of our control happen. all i can do is be prepared to lean on God in good times and bad. 

shouldn't be that hard right? too bad it's something i learn again and again every.single.day. or at least lately that's how i have felt. i guess we all go through times like these though....at least i hope i'm not the only one who has ever felt like this :)


** Also as a random site note. I've decided to start tweeting. Facebook is starting to freak me out with all the changes and Twitter actually seems easier, haha. Feel free to follow me @jlyfsh (I've had a twitter account for like 2 years and never used it! so that why I have a different name there ;) )